To be or not too be

I appreciate having the opportunity to share my blog here. There aren’t enough opportunities to talk about this. I mean, occasionally this topic might come up on a radio program or something, but that doesn’t happen nearly often enough.

We need some unity. If we just wear the American mask, that’s not good enough. We don’t need to do the same old thing but just look differently than the people who have done poorly before... If we do that then we’ll just keep repeating the same old mistakes.

There’s a lot of things that need to be changed, in my opinion. I’m grateful for being a citizen of the United States but knowing what I know about history, generally, and about American history, particularly, there’s still a lot to be desired in our country.  It troubles me the way people of color are often treated in America. It seems to be “the same old, same old.” Things that were going on many years ago, are still happening right now.

I think that the first step toward healing is realizing that there is a problem…a situation that needs to be addressed. And I’m ready to do my part to help myself be better so these things can get better here.

I read somewhere not long ago that by 2040 the United States will be mostly populated by people of color. We’ll be the majority! That means a lot and it doesn’t mean anything unless we do some inward spiritual journey work. We’ll always have to do the outward social justice work. Always! But I think we need to do both inward spiritual and outward justice work, together.  I think the only way things can correct themselves is that…you know, people have got to find a way to get along despite our differences in appearance. That’s one of the biggest issues in this country… that “I don’t like you because you’re darker skinned than I am…” mentality. And the amazing thing is, I think this way of thinking was possibly created long before slavery. But the separatism that was created because of that keeps causing us to be divided when it comes to who has money, who doesn’t, and just about everything else in America. I was even surprised to find out that this kind of bias …to hear that racism even exists in the Latino community! You know…that “I’m lighter skinned than you, so I think I’m better” kinda nonsense… In fact, I’m a bit horrified and surprised that lots of people of color think this way about their own race not just here but all over the world! That’s what I’ve discovered! It’s the same issues across the globe! It’s just crazy! Until people of color get a hold on that, I think we’re going to continue to have the same problems.

I was watching LaBron James’ show on HBO called The Shop the other night. It features people just getting together to talk about different issues in casual conversation like they would if they were just sitting around in a barbershop, or something. One of the participants said he thought that the only way we’d start to address the division that exists between people is if we were invaded by an alien from outer space, or something! It was funny to me at first, I guess because I believe it’s true! I feel this way because one of the things I learned during my stay in the penitentiary was that in Maryland jails, the Baltimore guys always had issues. But the further away we were moved from the east coast, the more we had a tendency of uniting. Since we had been moved away the familiar territory near the hometowns we shared, we felt the need to literally pull ourselves together in order to be able for us to survive when we’d been taken further away from home, despite our local and cultural differences.

I saw how people reacted during 9/11 too. Americans had taken a lot of things for granted before that tragedy happened but soon felt that we had to pull together in order to meet the threat and begin to more effectively handle it.  Now that sense of unity has passed and we’re back to the same “I don’t like you” sort of equations.  “You don’t think like I do…don’t look like me…don’t pray like I do…don’t speak like I do…” we just can’t afford to do that anymore! Our doing that just costs us far too much loss and unnecessary grief!

I’ve always been a TV fanatic! I’ve basically lived through my television set, so my life consisted of the images and info that was provided from that. My earliest recollection about money and the importance of it, despite my family not having a lot of it, came from TV. The television allowed me to envision what it would be like to have the amount of money that I wanted. I was about eight or nine years old then. You know how commercials are? They highlight whatever products they’re trying to sell. And, of course, there were a few things that I wanted. Watching TV all the time fueled my desire to have new toys when I was just a little boy.

When we were growing up, my father was the only one that worked. He worked very hard for the DC sanitation department and encountered a host of things that I still can’t even imagine! He made sure we never went hungry. During Christmas and for our birthdays and things like that, he made sure to provide the things we desired (when he could afford to.)  In that respect, we were fortunate compared to the other kids that lived in our NE and SE DC neighborhoods.

The thing that totally escaped me during those years, was the fact that my father lived in our home. A lot of father’s were prevented from doing that because for their families to receive a small amount of financial support from the US government or get social services support, the man in the household was required by law not to live in their homes with their families. And that destabilized those families and their entire communities! My grandfathers didn’t have fathers that were present…for whatever reasons. Later in life, once I began to grow into who I would become, I understood the importance of a male figure being able to live in their household with their family members. And then, I began to think of my friends I had at that early time in my life, and the trials and tribulations that they endured, because their fathers weren’t around when they were growing up. To this day I believe that the US government intentionally sabotaged their limited opportunity to thrive.

Still, I had felt inadequate…like something was wrong with me when I saw those ad’s on TV and didn’t have the things those ads said I should have. But I had the love, care, presence, and concern I needed from my dad to help me cope with my feeling that way.  But then at some point, all the outside info that reinforced the TV message(s) I had gotten about not being worthy came into my head. I began to feel undesirable…not good enough…always “less than.”  And my feeling that way was only compounded by all the glittery things that in my reality, I had to accept that I couldn’t have those things. As I grew into my teen years, well…that really chipped away at my self-esteem.  I was already dealing with my lack of confidence. And all of this just made things worse. So, I started acting out.

We know now from psychologists and the like that there are important things that children need to have in order to grow into healthy adulthood. I was born in 1957. So, a lot of these things either weren’t known or weren’t applied to people of color in the US, I guess... My parents were too busy just trying to make ends meet, let alone seek information that they didn’t even know existed in affluent places and homes across the city.

So, I’m getting all these negative influences about people who looked like myself. That added to whatever discomfort and ill-at-ease I was experiencing at that time. I mean, I still remember the images of Bull O’Conner and those dogs! They were unleashing those dogs on kids that looked like me!  I’ll be damned if they weren’t me in that respect! Consciously, I may not have fully understood when I was a child but subconsciously, I most certainly did. As a child, I couldn’t distinguish between what other people thought about me from how I should feel about myself. I was an adult before I began to separate those things out.

I’ve had the blessing of learning a number of things. During my incarceration, when I was in one facility, I stayed in for four and a half years, we were able to get some counseling in a program that was for the inmates. That’s when I first started to learn about the concept of “self.” That was in 1977 until 1981. Counseling was one of the best things that happened to some of us inmates because being incarcerated taught us not only to be well aware of what was going on around us, but also to become more aware of what was happening inside us as far as our feelings were concerned. That discovery really shaped me. After that I began to change a number of things about myself, one of which is how I felt about myself. I wasn’t afraid to discover who I was at the time because I really didn’t have any expectations from that program. Ignorance is bliss sometimes, I guess. I involved myself simply because it was part of a compulsory program. I would have likely not volunteered to go to get counseling otherwise. But I soon learned of its benefits.

Only in the past few years has my self-image grown. I still remember the time that I had an opportunity to address a large public gathering for the very first time. My friend pushed me to have the confidence I needed to get up there and speak my truth.  I was still nervous, mind you. Whenever I had to get up a speak before a bunch of people before that I was totally insecure. I felt ineffective. Now I’m a public speaker! And the butterflies only happen now because I’m humble enough to know what a privilege it is to have an opportunity to share my story and be called on to try to help other people.

We all want and need to be and feel acknowledged. Who doesn’t? But if you’re not really to be exposed to and ready for that kind of opportunity, I also know that it may not work out too well. I’m not great at sharing my vulnerabilities, but now I am a lot more comfortable with it than I once was because I speak about the things I feel.

My family wasn’t religious. They were more spiritual than religious. We were taught that there was a God, but we didn’t practice going to church or reading a bible, or anything like that sort of thing. I didn’t pray a lot unless I found myself in deep trouble and I felt the need to ask God to help me get out of it. I mean, some of my family members were religious. I had uncles that used to always sing gospel music together. They were hilarious because they usually sang while they were also drinking booze. They still sounded pretty good to me, though!

I remember being sixteen years old when I was given a thirty-year long sentence for using heroin and steeling to support my habit. When I returned to my cell after my sentence was pronounced, I cried out to God because I had no idea what to expect. I think that was the beginning of my growing faith in God. One thing I learned about faith is that I think we all need something…some power to acknowledge that is greater than ourselves.  Something other than negative media messages that encourage us to believe that if we just “shop until we drop” all will be well with our souls. It helped me tremendously to be able to place my burdens somewhere else.

After my incarceration, in 1992, my mother passed away. That’s when things really fell apart for me emotionally. I just couldn’t deal with that. Had she died when I was incarcerated, I likely would have done something that would have kept me from ever being released from jail, or I would have done something that caused another inmate to kill me. My loss of her shortly after my release from jail was just that traumatic. But after settling down and entering recovery from my addiction to drugs, my life turned around.

I had been following the crowd and doing what was popular at the time had also contributed to my being led astray.

My head is clear now; I’ve examined my life. I’ve seen a lot of people killed but I was spared. I’ve been stabbed three times when I was jailed. Guys even tried to burn me up in my cell… but God spared me.

Sure, I still had access to money when I was incarcerated.  I found ways to get it there too. But I met a Christian guy in jail that told me when we were inmates together that “sometimes God puts us in difficult situations just to bend us towards belief in Him.”  The concept of God never has had a gender for me, but I listened to and heard what he said anyway, and I’ve thought about it since.

For many people, money has become the God that they surrender themselves to and “group think” about cash comes into play and takes them over the edge. When money was the only thing I became concerned about, it became my God. I think many people are like that now. They are in purgatory because they either feel that they need to get it or they just want to acquire more of it.

I used to think that money equals happiness too, but it doesn’t really give you all the things you need in life. It alone won’t save me or anyone else. My peace of mind can’t be bought.  Money isn’t lasting. As soon as the money’s gone you’ll find yourself falling down a steep hill just like I did! This feeling of peace only comes once we learn and know who we really are. At least that’s been my experience.

Personally now, I think relationships are more important than money. I may never acquire that amount of money I’ve desired in my life. Today, I’m okay with that. It took me a long time to learn to accept that and embrace it.  I think that my feeling this way came from my relationship with God. Once my faith in money began to decrease, my faith in and reliance on God increased!

I’ve always had my essential needs met…I’m thinking about food, shelter, medical care and that kind of stuff. But I wanted things that were far grander than that! Instead of a modest apartment, I wanted a ten-bedroom home! I wanted a fleet of extravagant sports cars!  That’s what I had admired from the TV shows I saw! Owning that kinda stuff was the American dream! I wondered why everyone couldn’t have this level of wealth. But I know now that is simply not going to happen in a capitalistic society. And what community should have isn’t extravagant wealth. Rather, what we need is to have our financial needs met, not our financial desires.  

I’ve chosen to live the way I do now. Sometimes I have enough money and sometimes I don’t. But it never crosses my mind to go out and break the law to go get some money or to go get high because I’m having to go without it. I’ve grown…matured. I know that God provides for my deepest needs. The good thing about bad times is they don’t last forever and vise versa. Life is like a roller-coaster. But I believe that God is constantly with me through my ups and downs.

The God I serve in my mind looks just like me – a dark brown skinned black man! And Jesus was a woolly haired olive skinned Palestinian, or an (original) dark skinned Hebrew Jew from somewhere in Africa!  

I once met a Sunni Muslim when he was jailed. He was a brilliant guy who read books all the time. He spawned my curiously to learn and taught me that no matter what people call God or how they pray, belief in a loving God is really what matters the most. I believe that God loves us and experiences grief, loss and disappointment and anger with us too. That’s what carries me through each passing day.

Right now, I’m working on completing my Associated Degree in Counseling. I just have two more classes to go! Then I will have reached an important milestone. I feel that I’ve accumulated such a debt to society that I want to pay it all forward now. I honor myself because I honor God. I cannot undo my past. But the greatest thing I can do now is to try to help young people remember that these are serious times and life is short. I encourage them not to look away from reaching out to people because of their fear of being told “no.” Hearing “no” won’t kill you. But feeling like you’re alone and being distrustful of others just might.

I hope that they and everyone else that reads this blog who don’t yet know what a life experience like mine is like will come to learn from my sharing a bit more about it, and that people who have walked in the same kind of shoes that I have will find hope in my hope for them.

I once thought that there were no possibilities of my bettering myself because of the decisions I had made in my past. I felt that it was futile for me to try because I was in too deep trouble and in despair. I was wrong about that.  I changed when I became sick and tired of doing what I was doing and realized that what I was doing wasn’t worth the trouble. It hadn’t paid off. There were three things that I changed:

I used to do drugs.

I used to commit crimes.

I used to be in jail.

Now I do three faith and money-oriented things instead:

I detach from my love affair with money.

I attach myself to the idea that I am worthy of feeling better about myself.

And, I find complete freedom in being who I am -- really. I enjoy who I am; I delight in it. I love my becoming. I am now simply truly able to just be myself.