Breathing Room

I’m a graduate student. I work at an elementary school in the inner city in its library. I’m working on a second master’s in library and information now; I’ll complete my studies for that shortly. Immediately thereafter, I’ll begin to work on earning my doctorate in public health. My first master’s was also concentrated in public health. I have much to offer. But I did not start off in this country feeling like America was lucky to have me here. When I first arrived in DC, I do remember, however, being taken by seeing people from all over the world coming together. It’s still a very diverse city. So even then I had this Utopian idea in my head that it was perfect.In our household, we had the bear minimum to get by. I didn’t have toys. Even the clothes I wore were hard to come by. My mom often got someone to take me to college in Pennsylvania not knowing where the means would come from to get me back home during vacation and the end of the year. There were sometimes where I feared not being able to return to my university because I did not have a ride. Luckily, with the faith in God everything worked out. I knew we weren’t rich. I didn’t have a concept of what a safety net was because we didn’t have one. But we did have a faith community and people around, people who cared about us. That make all the difference in the world because I never once thought of myself as a charity case.

Even as a young child I was always asking myself and others real deep questions like “what do I want to do?’ and “what kind of person I wanted to become?” I dreamed back then of going to medical school to become a doctor. I think that the reason that I was eventually introduced to the public health field is because I felt “why should I wait until people are sick? Why not just start practicing early intervention and prevent people from getting sick in the first place?” Generally, I apply these same questions to how I feel about beliefs and resources. I feel that America hasn't been pure at all and then I look at all of the ways that money flows, and the way businesses operates, and opportunities are given and taken away.

My Muslim faith has taught me that interest rates and interest as a whole largely affects poor people. It places people in a cycle of endless poverty. As a result, it is sinful to engage in any system that operates under interest. In addition, my faith taught me about precise calculation. This means that everything should be measured precisely. The balance should be just. The longer I live in this society, I am discovering that the balance is not just. We live in an unjust system.  For example, the long history of free labor and slavery.  If someone was forced to perform free labor (calculating this bit of information from an economic perspective) and that labor was calculated and put in the savings account, or invested in the stock market, that free laboring person could live off of the interest rate. Free labor is affecting people because they don't have ownership. We as a society can conclude that slavery and free labor were unjust acts, however, there are no efforts to restore the damage perhaps with reparation and therapy. In fact, at times it feels like we are heading in the opposition direction. A prime example of this is the gentrification that is happening before our eyes. I can’t help but wonder what happens to the people who are here who are under-compensated, who essentially give of themselves and give away their free labor. As a result of gentrification, are they able to find good schools? Are they able to find good housing? Are they able to find solid opportunities? Are they included in our society’s best offerings?
 
I think about the issue of inclusion because I wonder about my use of the word and other words like it. Do we use them in a positive context? For example, with my use of the word “inclusion” I want to be sure not to assume that I am in an environment that belongs to someone else and that I feel obligated for some reason to fit in. I want to help change the way we use our words. Maybe it's going to take us (people of color and others) some time to understand the correct words to use. Then we use them accordingly. Or perhaps, discover new words that do not have the under tone of oppression. It’s taking some time for me to do that too. I’ve also thought about the word “supremacy.” I have heard people use this word as if it's a negative word. When I think of this word, my association of it is positive. What better word can I use when we talk about what is supreme as a descriptor for God? The word supreme to me and a plethora of other people has a positive association. So then, why is it associated with such a violent group of people.
 
When I was told that I have to fit into American norms and expectations, it felt more like an act of generosity, as if they were doing me a favor by immersing me into the culture. But I'm no different than anyone else. My faith gives me value. It gives me purpose and my sense of being has given me awareness of self. Now as a more conscious mature aware person, I know that I do not have to fit in, I can just live my truth.
 
We have a saying in the Quran in the 94th AL-INSHIRĀH (THE EXPANSION), about conscience, which in Arabic reads أَلَمْ نَشْرَحْ لَكَ صَدْرَكَ and in English states, "Did We not expand for you, your breast? And We removed from you your burden." My interpretation of this text means that  “we have opened your hearts and placed your conscience.” This is a powerful statement because it illustrates that we are all born with a conscience and that it is within our design to do good in this world. However, it takes great effort and conditioning to move away from that conscience. The way my faith taught me to think of interest rates is derived from this way of thinking (my conscience). I cannot disadvantage someone because they are indebted to me or anyone else. Doing otherwise only accomplishes the continuance of a cycle of agony for me and for them. To me, money has a sense of purpose beyond my personal needs.

When I volunteered at a hospital not long ago, I met a patient who had late-stage cancer. I was asked to transport her to an MRI where she was due to get her radiation treatment. At first, I was concerned about taking her there. Then I realized that she was nervous about the radiation. She was worried about going to get her treatment. I listened to her concerns patiently. Listening deeply to her talk about her fears just came naturally to me. Then I realized that her anxiety was deepening because of the questions she was asking me. Like “are you sure I am supposed to have an MRI done, I had one last week?” So, I contacted her doctor even though I was certain that she was to have the MRI. In the back of my mind, I thought “who was I to advocate for her to her physician?”  When I asked her doctor to come speak with her, I felt that I may have trespassed a professional boundary because I was only a volunteer.  So, I’d become a little nervous. But I felt strongly that I needed to overcome my fear so that the right thing could be done for her comfort-level to ease. To my surprise, the doctor was very welcoming to the idea of comforting the patient and confirming the need the MRI. After the woman gained reassurance from her doctor and completed her treatment, I took her back to her hospital room. Just before I departed, she told me she was so thankful that I had acted on her behalf. I didn't do anything to cure her cancer. What I did for her was the bare minimum. But our shared experience taught me something important. Human interaction is powerful. Just being present, willing, and able to comfort someone means something, even if you can't heal them. I found that comfort and accompaniment in community is a form of community wealth.
 
In my Sudanese culture, if I have money, I can't abandon someone that is homeless in the street without sharing it and helping them. That would almost be unheard of! Community for us is living in a personally owned home that is still connected to everyone else’s home. Families in our community live together in proximity. It's always been this way of being in our community of origin because we are people that are known for living with our extended families. We are also known for hospitality.  

My mother was the person who instilled many values in me. She isn’t an educated woman. The highest level of academics she achieved was elementary school, yet she is steeped in education! If you were to meet her you would quickly come to understand that the stories of wisdom that she departs from Sudanese culture that has helped set an example for others to follow this path. Her generosity of heart in community helped shape and sustain the values that I have while in the community as I interact now with other people in America, and the ways I choose to use my resources. I'm not going to give up these valuable life lessons. That is not an option for me. I hold my truth close to my heart. I believe that I should help others before I engage in overindulging myself in meaningless self-serving acts and as others do likewise, everyone is enriched.

My life is about something deeper than extending mere empathy. My spirit-recognition of other people who have spirit, deepens my conscious awareness of other people and community alike.

I remember from my American elementary school years well. I went to a Black school here so everybody in my school was Black. But when I first moved to America, some of the kids would give those of us a hard time because we didn't know the English language or the American that culture well. I grew up in a household that spoke Arabic. I was frustrated because I'm looking at them (other African-American classmates) while thinking, “you guys resemble us. We have similar features. Why does this disconnect exists between us?” 

There were times when I tried to explain to my classmates that, “Hey you guys are African too.” And they said, “No, I'm African-American.” And I responded, “But you still are from Africa.” Still, they continued to say that they were born in America. I guessed from exchanges in conversation with classmates like this that their being from “the land of the brave and the home of the free” mattered more to them than the point I was raising. They didn't have a name like mine. In fact, some often made fun of names like mine. As I got older, I saw their pain. I began to remember instances like this one in my mind and reflect on these memories. As I got to know Black kids in the African American culture, I better understood that their experiences were related to my own. After getting older, I looked at the kids I saw in my neighborhood and I hugged them. Deep down inside, I knew they were so gentle and sweet. When they interacted with each other so rough, I’d tell them, “Be gentle with each other.” And as I was giving them hugs, I hoped so much that the world saw their innocence. By looking beyond their defensive persona and see their essence. 

In addition, I further remembered that Americanized names like the ones so many kids of color are given when they assimilate post their arrival in America are not their true names. Just this act of renaming immediately reminded me that this is not our culture.  

There have also been people that have said to me that they don’t have privilege. I felt offended by that because I know we do not live the same reality. My sense of self-worth is based simply on my existence, not some bogus or boastful claims to unjustified financial entitlements. I am a human being! I along with everyone else should be treated with dignity. 

Recently someone told me that I had “high expectations.” Why should I not have them? When my expectations are driven by my spirit-guild, who can say that they know what my true value is or what my aspirations should be?

I recall meeting someone (African-American) who was around 50 years old, who shared with me his experience of traveling to Africa (Kenya) for the first time in his life. He went to Kenya. He was telling me about his experiences there and showed me a video about his visit. I remember that he was so in awe and impressed by Africa! I was a bit surprised by that. He told me that after this visit to Africa, he now knows that America is not his only home of reference; the experience has since restored the damage and answered many of his questions. I believe being able to go back home, literally and/or metaphorically, matters. Returning to where one feels they belong, matters. Just being able to see it or feel the inner beauty that comes from knowing your name and knowing what tribe you come from, or knowing one’s own culture, matters! And just seeing the pain and hurt that people carry after being denied all kinds of necessities and rights here, affects me deeply. We are viewed by the dominant culture as being silly when we speak about such things. We are viewed by most non-people of color as being portrayed as something different than what we are in life. I guess we are all just a product of what we experience when in America, whether it's racism or whether it's denying someone the roots of their identity. And it's traumatizing... 

Being soul-sensitive can be traumatizing. 

My innocence has been challenged, not because I have experienced poverty. but rather because even when I perform exceptionally well, I now know that my best effort may never be enough to satisfy some people who have the power to negatively impact my hopes and dreams. When we encounter people who are disconnected from spirit, that’s not the end of our story! It’s their loss! I tell young people never count themselves out! You may not be perfect. None of us are. That’s okay. Just work hard and be the best person that you can be! Take advantage of every opportunity to thrive!

I know very well that colonialism has touched every corner of this earth and who has money and what most people believe power to be is derived from this “fact.” I know people push back on inequity in America because I’m one of them. I also recognize that wherever we are born and raised, we are influenced by the cultural norms that exist there. But unhealthy norms can be changed.

In a homogeneous (Africa) culture of color, although it too is deeply impacted by colonialism, it is different. The gifts that citizens in homogeneous cultures have are the very things that we who have lived in homogeneous cultures take for granted. This is especially so concerning the gift of our sense of self-awareness and the sense of belonging in community. It is different than being born in a culture like America where you are the minority and continuously (more directly) subject to the oppression of the majority over a course of centuries. I hear this observation often from other people of color that come to the United States to live from their homogeneous places of origin too. Still, they're as deeply grateful to be here as I am. 

It’s tragic that some who come from homogeneous cultures as I did look at our brothers and sisters in Jubilee Housing (a cluster of homes provided for under-privileged people who  live in the Adams Morgan area of Washington, DC), or patients seated in front of Christ House (a hospital and residential recovery center for homeless predominately African American men and women), and think, “Oh, what a pity. What's wrong with them, not knowing that ‘they’ never even had the opportunities to have the level of support that they needed to develop the richness of spirit in community like we who came from majority Black cultures did.” And yet, we who have come here to become citizens are the ones who are still resisting getting to know and be in relationship with “them.” 

When you consider that there are situations where a little white boy could be bullied and he's ready to shoot up his entire class when he’s a teen, it becomes clear to me that even a person of color’s expression of outrage is not nearly as often as violent on this scale. We people of color are powerful beings; just look all that people of color have experienced here for a country! Still we manage to be here in America without snapping and acting out like that. It’s amazing, really, that we manage to take a stand and not be the ones who are blowing up synagogues and wiping out people in multiple mass shootings! 

The advice I have for young people is to make every effort to reach for the stars! Don’t be distracted by materialistic things. Spend some time alone. Read. If you have the brilliance to recall the lyrics of song you heard years ago, you have the mind to achieve. 

Right now, I see people walking around with shoes that are very expensive. They walk around with all these expensive things. But is that's not what is paying them long term. We have allowed our pain from not having more money lead us to spend our next to last dollar on materialistic things. Then we live paycheck to paycheck? That is all a reflection of community pain; that's what suffering looks like! That's all about internalized oppression and the way we interact with each other. And somehow, we have managed to inflict the pain among ourselves instead of correcting the problems in ways that are healthy. 

I think the first thing we need to address is to acknowledge that there's pain. After all, the first step in any recovery process is to admit that you have a problem, right? We are so busy fighting against racism that we haven't looked inside to acknowledge our own pain and then to begin to move through the deliberate intentional process of healing in community, so that we can bring our whole healthy selves to the process of transforming it. I want my career in the public health field to contribute significantly toward our being able to do this well together. 

So often, we people of color think we're just not worthy. And that’s simply not true. I have looked at a white colleague/ classmate who used fancy words in our professional setting while expecting him to be the smart one at the table. There is a saying I remember that was something like, “It is no measure of wellness to be successful in a profoundly sick world.” And nothing feels more profoundly sick to me than watching a person who proved themselves to be far less qualified than I am get more and recognition than I do. I have very good credentials. Excellent ones, really! I enjoy and respect my peers and that sentiment is returned without reservation from them back to me. Yet, despite my having worked hard for endless hours, and matured into a well-performing and well-liked peer who has come to appreciate myself, still I’ve been the one that has helped some people clarify professional presentations that I know would never fly if I had been as unprepared as they were in their offering of them. Just understanding our value is power. Without fully knowing this we judge ourselves and each other harshly. We judge each other because we internalize our pain. I’m still growing into the fullness of who Allah wants me to be. My continuous growth is important to me because hurt people, hurt people. 

I’m 29 years-old. Everything that I have done so far in my life to date has had a purpose and a meaning that is combining even now to help prepare me to do the next thing. I may not yet know what the next twist and turn will be. But I know for sure that as I continue to grow, I will know the full meaning of my life when I’m much further down the road than I am now. 

I pray that I’ll be wise enough to treasure every single part of my life’s journey by seeing the big picture. Though at times I still struggle to shake off the oppression that creeps up in me from time to time, with Allah’s help, I will never allow myself to give way to it. I believe that one day I will be the one at the head of the table. I will bring my good and not so pleasant life experiences with me when I’m seated there. My eyes are open. I believe that God will always use that and my passion to be an agent of healing in ways that are not just attached to dollars and cents. That’s how God will help me make paths a little bit smoother for others to walk on as only I can do. I would like to thank everyone in my journey who has allowed me to be my authentic self. Life is a journey. It is not all sad because through the pain, I met and formed deep relationship with people of all backgrounds. This isn’t to say that there isn’t work to be done. In fact, there is a lot of work to be done to allow us to all live together happily ever after. Like a quote from the Quran stated, “we have created you from different tribes so you may get to know one another.”